The Day the Dog Verbal Vomit

Today is a Very Good Day for a Very Good Dog. That’s Me.

3 min readAug 28, 2021
(desk)by James McDonald on Unsplash | (celery)by Sticker Mule on Unsplash | (peanut butter)by Tetiana Bykovets on Unsplash | edited by dog

Kicker letter of the day is T. Today being my first day as a writer, you’d think I’d start with A, but you’re wrong. Perhaps you thought it’d be P for peanut butter or Poodle. Wrong again, woof. Today is T for treats.

Treated the human today to tidy tasks. It’s fun. Like a game in reverse. I make the rules and the human has no choice but to play along. I make games of messes. No one expects me to clean up my own debacles. Hey, I ain’t got no thumbs. Tackle that throwup, person. The smell is triggering my gag reflex, again.

Am Poodle. Peanut Butter is life. Today I learned I do not like celery with my peanut butter. The human stepped away from its desk for 2 seconds. Evvveryone knooows the laws of the universe command 2 seconds green-for-go on all things nomage. It’s not my fault the distracted human left their people food unguarded.

I swooped in, scarfed, ran to the living room and promptly puked it out all over the white carpet. Who can blame me? I mean, come on. Look at this place. It’s cold and sterile. I’ll take colorful dog barf over prison cell any day.

Don’t worry. I’m good. I made sure to slobber every last taste of the disgusting green stuff all over the front room. Neato, like abstract art. Too bad I lost a bunch of my favorite peanut butter.

Take a pic, person, before you clean it up. You know you want to tell all your friends what a bad doggy I am. Oooh, I’m so bad. — Consider yourself lucky. You should have seen what D-Stray did when he snuck in the catflap in that fancy high-rise downtown. That Weiner. Good ol Downtown Stray.
I hear you on the phone with gramma all the time. The dog did this, the dog did that. Dog dog dog. What would you do without me? I’m your world.

Wait. Calm yourself, human. What’s with the tone? Now you’ve done it. I’m nervous. Think you’d know by now, my sensitive side. Brace yourself, second wave is coming. Reverse this time. Aaand there it goes. That’s gonna leave a mark. All’s better. — Et tu brute human? Am Poodle. Ooh la, la, crapola.

What a way to introduce myself. Person had it coming . . . and going. Don’t ignore the dog, dummy. Spend so long hammering away on that glowing thing. Howzabout maybe step outside once in a while so crap and vomit like this won’t happen, eh?

I forgive you. I always do human.

~ Love, dog.

Visit dog often to discover what they’re up to. Find out what letter of the alphabet is next for storytime. Introduce your pets, or humans. They’re welcome too.